Something happened to me in 1997 that changed how I view the world completely.
I’d recently recovered, to a certain extent, from a nervous breakdown and was slap bang in the middle of a nightmarish existence.My mind was a mess: I had no real direction, hated my job, didn't really understand my friends, was terrified of getting into another destructive relationship and, basically, had a whole load of baggage and fear I couldn't process. In short I was rudderless and about as grounded as a cloud. I felt about as substantial as one too.
Like so many alcohol and recreational drugs was my release. I'd been a fan of guys like Robert Anton Wilson, Carlos Castenada and Timothy Leary for years so had a pretty decent theoretical understanding of the causes of my neurosis. I also had a decent understanding (or so I thought) of the illusory nature of consensual reality. What I didn't have, and what even psychedelics didn't teach me, was true Knowledge of states of expanded awareness. As I said, that all changed one sunny summer evening shortly after my 24th birthday.
I was spending the evening relaxing with some friends at our usual haunt - a room in a shared house in West London. It was a downstairs room with a patio that opened out onto the garden. We'd spend our time drinking, smoking and playing basketball. When it got dark we'd pile into Andy's room for more beer and hash and general high jinx. I was often one of the last to leave and enjoyed using this time to play mindfuck games with Andy. He took it in good spirit and generally enjoyed the mental sparring. Andy was a straight down the line Aristotolian kinda fella. Very VERY black and white. Very consistent too, whereas I was all over the damn place in my head and never expected anyone to really take anything I said seriously. I mean, I thought I was a joke so why wouldn’t everyone else?
On this particular evening Andy and I had smoked many bongs and were having mucho fun. Out of the blue I said, “Let’s have a fight.” Andy looked a little shocked, but agreed.
We stood up and started bouncing around throwing a few air punches. I, of course, was not in any way serious. I mean, me? Fight? Yeah, right! Andy, who was very handy, saw it differently though and it took a good 30 seconds for it to dawn on my addled brain that he was taking it a bit more seriously then I was.
He landed a couple of very light warning shots around my cheeks and said, “Are we done?” We were.
We sat down and exchanged a few terse comments, but it was clear the night was over and I left.
I had 20 minutes to think about what had happened on the walk home. It had never occurred to me before that anyone would ever take me seriously in a situation like that. It had never occurred to me I could be considered a threat of any kind. I’d always lived in such fear I’d never thought of myself any other way.
As I walked I replayed the event and realised that even when I realised the stakes were higher than I‘d imagined I wasn’t scared, but Andy was. I realised I had nothing to be scared of anymore. My fear left me there and then.
I also realised how important my word was. Andy took me seriously because he couldn’t read my mind. This seems obvious, but so much of our communication is terrible because we assume the other party knows far more about what we’re thinking then they do. We do this because we feel naked and transparent most of the time. I realised it was crucial to say exactly what you wanted to communicate and not fluff it up with deception and games. This is only possible without fear.
This is also only really possible if your mind is quiet. This all came to me in an instant as an entire Knowing rather than something I worked out.
I returned home to find my uncle awake. I sat and talked with him for a while and it was here I realised I had changed – my awareness was very different. For the record I was no longer in any way under the influence of hashish. I was as straight, grounded and balanced as I’d ever been. It was as if the effects of the drugs had been simply washed away.
How was I different? My mind was silent. I had no internal chatter at all. I felt calm for the first time in my life and viewed my uncle as an absolute equal. I felt an enormous sense of love and compassion for him, yet also felt completely non-attached to his views and opinions. I realised that I’d spent my life up to that point trying to be whatever I thought people wanted me to be. I’d tried to second guess peoples minds and be a yes man. I had no sense of my identity and value.
I now felt powerful beyond measure. A quiet, grounded, peaceful power, but power nonetheless. Of course, this could all have disappeared as I turned in for the night. I could have woken up and dropped straight into my robotic routines and passed it off as a drug-induced experience with no real lasting value. But this didn’t happen, and I didn’t get to choose.
What did happen is this. The experience deepened as my mind remained silent and my sense of where I ended and Everything Else began became less rigid. Through the coming days I noticed my awareness expanding in different ways. In conversation with people I noticed I no longer had any investment in their opinions about me. I realised nothing they said, even if it was directed at me, had anything to do with me. I noticed that nearly everyone was walking around in a trance, robotically repeating the same tired phrases and responses to the same questions. I noticed that virtually nothing that came out of people’s mouths had any real meaning. It was as if they were asleep. Oh, and when I say 'noticed' I don't mean that I observed and concluded this through deduction. I mean that this was a Knowing that was as obvious as the distinction between black and white. I also don’t mean this in a derogatory manner. I repeat I had nothing but love and compassion for everyone. I never once felt I was better in any way. I was simply more awake.
I also felt my awareness was not limited to my body. I realised we don’t only see through the bodies eyes, but have another level of seeing that has nothing to do with the body. For example, if we’re on the outside observing an interaction between several people (people watching) we can see how the flow of the conversation is going, how people are missing important clues as to why they’re arguing or mis-communicating. It’s easy from the outside looking in because we can see so much more and we have no emotional attachment to the outcome or process.
This is how my second level of awareness worked. It was like – and this is only an approximation of the ability because we still don’t really have the language to describe these experiences adequately – I was interacting normally in any situation as well as being outside, above and to the right of us as well. From this position I could sense, see and feel both my own and others emotions and feelings. This is true empathy. During this period of my life I never made a poor decision, never said anything hurtful, never lied or cheated, always made people feel completely at ease and always felt safe amongst you. In short life was effortless. We waste so much energy on a daily basis through trying so hard to be what we are not we fail to realise what we are is so glorious it needs nothing but the chance to shine. If we get out of our own way life simply flows.
Because my inner dialogue had ended I was now acting rather than reacting. I was following the lead of this expanded part of myself. I was also aware that each of us was constantly interacting at this level all the time. This is what happens when we experience a true feeling of connection with someone. It may also have something to do with the feeling of uncomfortable we have around certain people, but I never felt any of this and it’s probably more likely that that is a more animalistic level of interaction.
This period lasted several months and included many more extraordinary experiences, insights and, for want of a better word, abilities, of which I will write more later.
And then it left and I felt like I’d been blinded. For many years I felt very bitter about this, but eventually came to realise I’d been given a wonderful gift – a glimpse behind the curtain – and I could use it as a driving force to learn and teach and establish a foundation for the emergence of this state of awareness as a permanent state of Being.
And that Is why this site is here.
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